Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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