I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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