Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
