I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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