Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
