i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
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