a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
