Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
