Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
