Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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