I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
