No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
