No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
