just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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