just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
