So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
