I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
