You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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