I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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