I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
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