This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
