I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
