So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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