I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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