dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
