Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
