Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
