She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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