Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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