In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
