Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
