The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
