dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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