Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
