She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
