if i can run in heels then i can drive
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
