just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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