At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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