My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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