We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
