It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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