nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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