Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
