dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
