I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
