Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
