i can't believe i had my finger in that
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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