i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
