i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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