yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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