Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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