Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
