While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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