it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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