nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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