Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
