"it" just moved
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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