i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
