I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
This is the high leading the old right now
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
