I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
