this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Randomize
