Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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