So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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