Cold hands, warm shart.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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