The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
