I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
