My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
