My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
